Write a short paragraph on the subject of your choice. Use a variety of sentence types and lengths, with at least one exclamatory sentence that clarifies or amplifies a declarative sentence. Comment on the effects and the effectiveness of at least one other post. Due by Friday, October 9th.
I hop onto the train, trying to distract my racing mind from everything that could possibly go wrong. Long will the journey be, but this is what i need. By next week I would be in oblivion; even the road I pound down every day from work will have forgotten me. I entered the third carriage and sat down by the window as the train jerked forward. Just like a lullaby, the regular lurch slowly rocked me into a deep sleep.
ReplyDeleteI found your paragraph interesting because you changed the words order in the sentence "Long will the journey be" which puts forward the adjective "long" and gives another perspective to the sentence. "Long will the journey be, but this is what I need." is your only short sentence, therefore, we are focusing on it more than on the other ones. Moreover, you used a lot of small details to describe the train, it allows us to have a larger vision of the train and the emotions of the person described.
DeleteWhere he is, I don't know, he wouldn't tell me. Sometimes, I ask myself : would it be more frightening if I knew where he was ? Will I be able to sleep again if I know what he is doing ? He has always been wandering on the arid and deserted road that life is, no one paying attention to him, he was only passing by, looking like a spectral figure. I wouldn't even have noticed him myself ! Nevertheless, I'm sure he is going to find his way someday.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your piece of writing. The acculmulation of question marks make the reader more and more curious of the whereabouts of "he". We are thrown straight into the story seeing as the first words are "Where he is" and I like that because we aren't wondering the whole time what is happening. You alternate the punctuation (question marks, exclamation marks, full stops, commas,colons etc) which allows the reader to never be bored, it's an "active" story. Well done I loved it :)
DeleteShe saw a shadow moving out of the corner of her eye. Not funny at all had become this game. The house, dark as a well, silent as a deserted shed, had never been so threatening, and it appeared to be getting ready to engulf her. The dorr slammed open ! But he wasn't there. Was he even in the house ? Suddenly, he jumped in front of her, laughing at her aghast-looking eyes.
ReplyDeleteI really like your description which keep the reader alert. Indeed, the reader does not really know if it a game or if the narrator is really in a dangerous situation. The question "was he even in the house" creates this doubt. There is a lot of suspens in this paragraph which is definitely reinforced by the use of different sized sentences. Moreover the use of numerous commas creates a dynamic rhythm which grabs the reader's attention.
DeleteI enjoyed this passage ! You succeeded in, in the first place, making me fear the situation and, eventually, relieving my emotions in the last sentence. The reverse of the words in the second sentence conveys the character's confusion about what is really going on in the house. And the very long sentence, with all the commas, gives us the impression we are walking along corridors of the house, being in the shoes of the girl. Suddenly, our suspicious state of mind comes to a climax with the sound of the door unexpectedly opening itself to let the 2 following short sentences give us a sort of report of the situation. In short, the different lengths of sentences and the way they are put according to the others successfully play with our emotions from the beginning to the end of your passage.
DeleteI really enjoyed reading your work, I really expected something scary and I was relieved and amused when I read the end of it.you managed to create a very cold and threatening atmosphere with the words " shadow" " "deserted" " dark" and "silent". The suspens is obviously created by the differents syntax you use and I was really into it!
DeleteThe finish line was only a couple of minutes away! He accelerated a little in order to maintain his leading position end in the hope of beating the race record. He was breathing heavily. Everything around him began to fade away but his legs continued to run on mechanically. He could no longer see the clear blue sky, smell the fresh countryside air, hear the birds sing joyfully, feel the mud on his legs. He gasped for air. His knees gave way, his body hit the ground and lay in animated.
ReplyDeleteI can recognize the writer in this writing ;).
DeleteWhat I like about your description is the universal feeling it conveys: adrenaline. You managed to use imagery (view, smell, sound, touch) to create this sense of experience: the runner's extreme sensations. The short sentences such as 'He gasped for air.' creates a shift in the passage, we understand he is not going to reach the finish line. Moreover, the long sentence "He accelerated a little..." emphasizes the acceleration and the runner's goals. Well done :D
What a nice text! The way you have started it draws us directly in the head of the long distance runner. Indeed, we can easily imagine ourselves seeing the finish line and being relieved. I also found the fact that you have used a lot of imagery very interesting. What must also be highlighted is the fact that you are talking of sensory experiences that have disappeared. This is shown by the expression “he could no longer”. In addition to that, you chose to use long sentences that makes us share the tiredness of your character. Moreover, the verb “gasped” is well chosen because it allows us to hear how hard it is for him to breath. Finally, I wasn’t expecting the runner to collapse in the last sentence so I was startled.
DeleteThank you for your text Heloise !!
Such an idiot he used to be!
ReplyDeleteBy committing suicide, maybe he thought of himself as a hero, as courageous... but he was only selfish and weak. Indeed, there is only a fine chasm between idiocy and bravery.
SHE was brave, SHE was selfless, and HE left her by herself.
Does anyone nowadays ever stand up for another? No.
I guess humanity is doomed.
Your post is dynamic : the emphasis on certain words, the varying types of sentences and the different lenghts. It gives rythm and I really like it : you've exploited the topic to the fullest.
DeleteHowever, your post doesn't really use any of the notions previously studied, according to me and even if it wasn't the task, a little more imagery and detail would have made your text richer.
It is a really really effective piece of work for this week's assignment. :)
That morning, Rose woke up from her nightmare. It has been the same one for months now. Since the day she left her. Lost, that's how people described Rose now. It wasn't necessarily in the questions she asked or even the fact that asked them, even though it obviously showed an undeniable aspect of her state of mind, but more in her acts and reactions. Paradoxical. Excited. Solicitous. Rose was fully aware of it. And she hated it ! Was somebody controlling her from the outside ? Or was she only diving in the dark and endless sea of immoderateness without knowing where to find her life buoy ? That morning, Rose woke up from her nightmare. She knew it has been the same one for months now. Impatiently threatened.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI think your paragraph is really well written with the use of the same sentence at the beginning and at the end that highlights the importance of the nightmare. We clearly understands that that nightmare is the reason of the disruption that has happenend to your character. Moreover, there is a well-conducted description, as you start emphisizing that she is « Lost », skewing the word order and then explaining step by step the details of her behavior. You’ve managed to balance the use of long sentences and very short ones, which stand out as being composed of only one word. The use of the exclamation mark demonstrates, to me, anger and desire to convince the reader. So, we can understand how helpless and flummoxed your character is.
DeletePeace had been unseen for months now and people stopped looking after it with their hearts but kept trying to implement it by force. Both parties had supporters, one had legitimacy of the soil, the other of having the stronger allies. Both parties suffered, one saw its members dying for their homes back, the other for keeping its conquest. The people’s opinion knelt before the one of the heads. Nothing was going to change for now. But people were shouting in the street. WE WANT JUSTICE! WE WANT OUR HOMES BACK! Shots were fired. The crowd shouted. A boy fell. There was no peaceful way back.
ReplyDeleteI found your piece of writing interesting. I must admit at first the long narrative sentences lost my attention but you needed them to set in the outline. And actually on an overall they highlight the ending action even more effectively than would they have being shorter. As soon as the people shout "WE WANT JUSTICE [...]" the action is trigered, and so is the gun. The events add up very quickly in the end and your using of short sentences managed very weel to convey that speed. The last sentence is also powerful casting a theatening veil on the future. Congrats!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"This was one of those times when quietness had acquired a color, a smell, a taste, a sensation, a sound, a shape... A life. Yes, that definitely was one of those times."
ReplyDeleteExcept this time, quietness was red, it smell like blood, it tasted like blood.
This time, it was warm, wet and then dry and then sticky. I passed from this green scene where the weeping willow was my friend to this smashed skull while autumn killed "the oak like a fast-fooded girl", on which I had moved the corpse of my nemesis. Again, "was this scene really that quiet or was the blood of my rival stuck in my ears ?" I was scared. I was SCARED OUT OF MY WITS! Had I just killed someone? A human being? As I dug my rival a grave out of my bare hands, distraught, I noticed the green quietness stopped running in my blood. Instead, a rush of red, scarlet adrenaline. I looked up at the sky ; it was still dusk. I kept digging, digging. And time passed by. And I was still scared. Was I still scared? I stopped, took a look at my muddy hands. I stopped, took a look at my bloody hands. I stopped, took a look at my murderer... I snapped out of my stillness and kept digging.
Autumn, the Grim Reaper; Autumn, a killer season; Autumn... don't we all love Autumn?
"smelt* like blood"
DeleteShe needed to be cut out of the world. To focus on herself. To forget. And dream. Everything seemed to be so complicated, as if there were no possible way to get through the maze of the situation but at the same time, the urgence to take a decision. How deeply she craved falling asleep, letting her mind wandering towards a paradise where the consequences do not matter ! Change all the perspectives, irreversebly, she was about to. Must she try to save one, that would cost the abandon the other ? Must she flee alone but without risks ? After several minutes that looked like sprawling hours, she opened her eyes, stood up, and left the fantastical retreat she wanted so desperatly to reach. She had made up her mind and taken her decision; she wouldn’t choose. No, she would fight.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this paragraph, especially the beginning sentences which are short and contrast with the longer ones in the middle, to return to shorter sentences at the end. This is an interesting way of showing the development of the character's decision, and combined with the interrogative and declarative sentences in the middle it conveys a clear sense of her confusion and despair.
DeleteAutumn - my favourite time of year. The time when leaves gradually turn orange - as though a curse had been cast on them, turning them to gold. The days becoming shorter, darker, colder, with the build up to winter, Christmas. Howling through the roofs and trees, the wind dragging rain and storms in its wake! Most of all I love being able to stay in the warm safety of my home, listening to the dancing rain outside.
ReplyDeleteI like how you introduce the subject at the beginning of the paragraph. We know exactly where you are leading us. Moreover the accumulation of adjectives perfectly illustrates the progressive and gradual evolution of autumn. You separated the word "Christmas" from the rest of the sentence which shows that this is something you are impatiently awaiting and that winter literally "builds up" to Christmas. Finally, the use of an exclamatory sentence when you talk about the wind and the storm gives strength to what you are saying and emphasizes the violence of it.
DeleteIn the peaceful woods on a quiet summer afternoon, all was calm. A nearby stream was gurgling lazily and the buzzing bumblebees were serenely hovering around luscious flowers. The cat was lurking in the tall grass. It slowly circled around the innocent prey, its soft and silent paws making no noise. Its immense eyes were concentrated on the soon-to-be diner. Pitch black bloody eyes. Hunter's eyes. It unhurriedly approached with calculated movements, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. It pounced! Claws out, with feline agility it swooped down on the prey who barely had the time to let out a surprised squeal before its neck was broken. Blood splattered on the forest floor and the satisfied cat purred with delight as it started its heavenly meal.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning in medium-large size sentences conveys harmony in your descriptions but the shortening of sentences when first speaking about the cat gives us a hint that something is up before the attack actually takes place. It is well used. Moreover it perfectly goes with the reassuring nature elements of your content in the beginning and the appearance of the cat afterwards.
DeleteThe following long sentence describing the cat tactic connotes a smooth and controlled strategy interrupted by very short sentences about the cat itself which rush unperiodically the story and is a perfect lead to the fatal event.
The last sentence seems quite ironical in the peace that is expressed through both size and positive content even when speaking about a dead hunting toll. It is a perfect ending to your description.
I have captured his look and he has captured my thoughts. A blink for him I was, an engraving he is. How could I ever forget him; him and his comforting arms, his sunny smile; cheeky eyes; candid cheeks; blond hair. Golden heart.
ReplyDeleteComing toward me with a bunch of friends, I am hoping to hear the sound of his voice -Bip- but it is covered … -Bip-Bip- I am sure I know that noise. What a beautiful dream it was !
your paragraph is very effective and dynamic. The first sentence almost sounds poetic thanks to the repetition of the verb which is used with two different complements, once physical and the other more "spiritual". Through the long enumeration in the second sentence we really are able to imagine this handsome boy. The adjectives you chose almost made me think of him as the sun! And what to say about your two last sentences? This plot twist is clever, all our expectations of a love story go away as the alarm clock rings. plus, the fact that you ended your paragraph with this exclamative sentence lets the reader very surprised, amused because we were waiting for something really different until then! The rhythm was well used to create this shift in idea from the smooth image of your golden boy to the effect of the alarm clock and the unexpected waking up!
DeleteAs long as everybody obeyed her Camila was happy. Ruling. That's what she liked to do and a tyran she had become. But today, on this beautiful summer morning her authority had been challenged, everyone could feel her anger running through the air and electrifying the atmosphere. She heard footsteps coming from the corridor. Someone knocked! She fixed her hair and opened the door.She was ready to face the challenger.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your paragraph, especially the increasing and then decreasing length of your sentences, with the climax reached when the situation is reversing. Your "middle-long" first sentence and the long one surround the "Ruling" and thus emphasize it. As the rythm goes decreasing, the reader can feel that Camila's not as confident as she may usually be; the exclamative sentence highlights the tension. The two last sentences really sound like the end of a period and the beginnig of a new action : you created some suspens!
DeleteTo be frank, this "Camila" and her "challenger" even seem real ;)
Sitting in the bus, looking at the people around him, he wonders : what is the gap between persons made of ? He was staring at the boy in front of him. He looked younger and richer - there was a whole world between them. But the young boy looked so sad and he couldn't help but want to talk to him, to take care of him, to be his friend. If only he could... Suddenly, the young boy smiled at him !
ReplyDeleteThe invasion had begun. German Panzers were crushing down and trampling out the fragile European peace on the raped Polish soil. How much had been paid though, how much had been endured though to prevent this from happening ! They had let him broke all the conventions, they had let him violate each treaty and ignore every boundary. They had let him feed his National-Socialist folly with the hatred of former Allies and the darkness of misery. They were responsible for what was occurring. And what was to follow. Now, unable to go on pretending to be blind, they had to face the truth and to react. When eyes are closed for so long, daylight dazzles and hurts... So did this awaking cause pain. Except that there wasn't any brightness then, only Darkness and Faded Lights, that now petrified them.
ReplyDeleteThere it was. This feeling of being this powerful, wise and gentle god, slowly giving life to what haunted my minds. The feeling of the fresh paper crisping under my sharp carbon stick was worth the pain my imagination suffered. How did I achieve to wait that long ! I was mesmerized by what was beginning to looks like an animal. With legs. And an head. With wool. Yes, finally, the sheep you wanted me to draw is curved out, in front of my eyes. And it comes from my own mind and hand. I wonder if he could comes to life to tell us the story of his travel ...
ReplyDeleteMy body hits the water. Silence. Cold. It's everywhere and nowhere. It takes over my thoughts and leaves me thoughtless. Seeping through my skin, wanting to wash over my inner warmth. The tingling, stinging, burning crawled up my arms and legs. To move is the only way - to swim the only escape. So overwhelming is the pain it is exhausting. To let myself go seems the easiest. You will never wake up. Ever. You will never see the light again, never laugh again, never love again - don't! My lungs are on fire - air in need some air! Pushing up my way back to the surface I see the light again. The outside noise comes crashing into my ears as I take a deeper breath than I ever though possible.
ReplyDeleteThis paragraph really caught my attention for several reasons. Firstly because the structure really suits the content from the very first line : you "hit the water", and the two following sentences are only one-word sentences which produces this harsh, cut feeling. It cuts us in our reading and makes us eager to learn more seeing as we don't have a lot of information in the first sentences. Some other sentences are longer, especially "You will never see the light again, never laugh again, never love again - don't!". The punctuation gives a flowy rythm to the reading, only to be cut at the very end by the exclamation point. I think your use of different strucures really adds to the story as it makes it more appealing and interesting. We don't feel a sort of "routine" as we read, the reading doesn't get bored. Well done !
DeleteI really like this paragraph. The expressive syntax really makes me feel the panic of the character in the water. We hear evrything that happens in this head, his thoughts which are complex and pardoxical . The "don't " for example is really representative of this internal conflict in his head. He wants to give up but sometimes his reason calls him back! I like that ! I also feel how the action happens very fast , and how the character tries to react quickly too. The first sentences composed only of isolated words freeze the action in time and at the same time, makes it rapid cut and vivid! When the sentences become longer again at the end of the paragraph , we feel the hope coming back, and we really get the imression of the character going back to the surface, I like this feeling! Good job!
Deletelife is game, yes that's what they say. But what are the rules then? Let me think. Doubtful am I. Playful is my mind. As I grew up I always wandered in the maze that life is; trying to figure out what was my part and what significance I had. A few years ago what a flash of lucidity stroke me! We are just pawns! How simple it has all been since that revelation. Sun rises and so do I, when sun goes down so do we and so on. Now my time has come... I must retire to let life plays with new pawns. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou strut the world like you own it. I bet it never even occured to you that you were threading on everything that came on your way. Do you take satisfaction in making people feel like they'll never be good enough for you ? Never smart enough ? Never pretty enough ? Simply never enough ? You always claim that you have it all ; the car, the clothes and even the million-dollar house. But you couldn't be more wrong. Sure, you do have it all... materialistically. But there's nothing you have that I want. Absolutely nothing. Your wealth can't fill your empty soul. No amount of money can change what you are !
ReplyDeleteIsn't how the world is working going bad because we based it all on the sun ? Hardly-moving, impassive, rigid, our society has been erected as the exact copy of it. Change has become a threat to a civilization's stability and what is unknown had always been discarded instead of embraced.
ReplyDeleteWhat if the human chose the moon as model for constructing future civilizations ? The moon is here of course a symbol of flexibility in change. Stability could, in constant movement, in constant change, reside. Approaching perfection in the construction of one's self and one's group is a goal which with constant can only be obtained with a constant reassessment. Change will embrace the true, present nature of the human being, instead of conditioning it.
Blindness acquired from the false light of obsolete, rigid principles, you cannot need. In fact, you can stare at the moon as long as you want ! You can study all the changes, what fitted the best, what should change again, where in a society conditioned by the sun, just when you start doubting the established principles, the manipulators and scroungers of the lies always try to slow down the process of acquiring consciousness, a risk that doesn't exist if we followed a "moon-like" pattern to build our societies.
She entered the room at my cousin's arm. It was obvious that she had spent 3 hours to choose her clothes (and for that result-come on -so not elegant! ). She absolutely wanted to make a good impression on my Grandmother. She knew how harsh She could be sometimes -and so did I trust me ! She also knew how My Grandmother's opinion on her was going to be decisive for her future life with my cousin. Look at her ! With that tense smile... Poor little bird! She thinks she's making a natural and relaxed face. Don't touch My Grandmother's shoulder! Massive mistake... It's incredible how this spectacle fascinates me. Not that I find enjoyable to look My Grandmother torturing a new victim, but the fact that I was Her; I have to amdit it; made me enjoy the scene even more. Let me tell you something : when you know the end of the story, it becomes not so exciting any more right? But for this one, even if I knew the end and how many tears she was going to cry, seemed to me the most exciting of all ...
ReplyDeleteEverywhere they looked, they saw people staring at them. It took them a minute to understand they looked way to occidental in their blue jeans and white shirts. They scratched their head. Raised an eyebrow. Considered stepping back for a second… And then went in. The railway station was crowded with the sounds of those thousands of voices, shouting and yelling, and the strange words they pronounced –were those even words?- in an unknown language reverberated on the unclean windows of the immense station. The place looked inhospitable and hostile. No arrivals and departures board. No translations. People were everywhere: sat on the grubby steps, standing in the corners, rushing to their train, walking in a hurry: but still they all took the time to glance at the dazed Europeans that naively tried to make their way through the crowd without walking on anyone’s feet. The four of them looked at each other and took a deep breath. And though it took them a little while to understand that nothing about the locals was neither inhospitable nor hostile, but only intrigued, they finally got it, and miraculously managed to get into their train.
ReplyDelete